So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. 12 / 102. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. Theres a nasty bug going around.Submitted by D.G. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! They always take things literally. Love is grand, until it isnt. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! Between you and me, something smells. What are you doing! says the husband. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Tempting fate, I tried it on. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{margin-bottom:8px;position:relative}._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq._3-0c12FCnHoLz34dQVveax{max-height:63px;overflow:hidden}._1zPvgKHteTOub9dKkvrOl4{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word}._1dp4_svQVkkuV143AIEKsf{-ms-flex-align:baseline;align-items:baseline;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);bottom:-2px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap;padding-left:2px;position:absolute;right:-8px}._5VBcBVybCfosCzMJlXzC3{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI{position:relative;background-color:0;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);border:0;padding:0 8px}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:before{content:"";position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;border-radius:9999px;background:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);opacity:0}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:hover:before{opacity:.08}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus{outline:none}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus:before{opacity:.16}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI._2Z_0gYdq8Wr3FulRLZXC3e:before,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:active:before{opacity:.24}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:disabled,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[data-disabled],._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[disabled]{cursor:not-allowed;filter:grayscale(1);background:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50)}._2ZTVnRPqdyKo1dA7Q7i4EL{transition:all .1s linear 0s}.k51Bu_pyEfHQF6AAhaKfS{transition:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:block;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);border-radius:4px;padding:8px;margin-bottom:12px;margin-top:8px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-canvas);cursor:pointer}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:focus{outline:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK._3GG6tRGPPJiejLqt2AZfh4{transition:none;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO{cursor:pointer;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid transparent;border-radius:4px;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO:hover ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button);padding:4px}._1YvJWALkJ8iKZxUU53TeNO{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._3jyKpErOrdUDMh0RFq5V6f{-ms-flex:100%;flex:100%}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v,._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._3zTJ9t4vNwm1NrIaZ35NS6{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} But that's not all. Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? 3.. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. A class act. In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. ", "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Whats the best thing about Switzerland? The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. Now were going to have to pee in the boat.. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. Whats E.T. 17. What did the baby corn say to its mom? Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. Im okay, he says, but I didnt like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery. What did he say? the nurse asks. I steal food from humans. The boy screams. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. What do you call a fake noodle? Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. No, she said. Tomac. I was always told it was piss in the boot. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. After a few moments, Bill says, Hurry up, Messy Bessy, we dont have all night. Jenna feels her cheeks flush and her eyes fill with tears. You couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, He couldn't get his hole in a barrel of fannies._3K2ydhts9_ES4s9UpcXqBi{display:block;padding:0 16px;width:100%} Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. Then, it hit me. Its shift work. God says, No. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults Liked what you just read? Yes, I said. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. I started a couple of weeks ago. Really? I said. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. Thats just how I roll. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Sorry, Im not Adele. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. (Consider yourself warned! Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. Nurse: When? My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Thanks! *Results not guaranteed. Me: Yes. 2. A cornfield. Hes now a seasoned veteran. My computer's got the Miley virus. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! Two whales walk into a bar. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. What are you complaining about? he fires back. Still, Id like you to mail me the results., A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctors office. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. Up in heaven, she sees God. Hold it in. Whats wrong?, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot daywhen they pass by a bar. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machinespring cleaning and all that. Then she called, Here, kittySubmitted by Khalid Khan. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Violators will be extracted. Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. 72. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. Looking at my face is like reading in the car. You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Submitted by Ken MacKay. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? The satisfactory. Shave my head.Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . Thesecheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Instantly, the car appears on the beach. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend. Stanley Heerboth, My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items. @cravin4. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. 'Submitted by John Langley. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. Breathe! When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. No, it doesnt. Yes, it does. Now hes the village blacksmith. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. A labracadabrador. In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. A gnome, comes the reply. Finally, he hollers, Hey! Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Now what do you want? the woman asks. ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. 16. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. Its easy, replies the ranger. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. Lord, he prays. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. Submitted by Andre Batista. It read, Mr. 2023 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing, 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback, 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications, Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny, 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to, All the quotes you need while going through a breakup, Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles, 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life, How to be funny and make people love your company, 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment, 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted, 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback, Ready to charm? Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. She couldn't control her pupils. When Im done, poof! And what sort of case was that? My father sued me for the money.Submitted by Dee Hudson. Well! responds the friend. The bear shrugged. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. I never knew my real ladder. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Dont miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. Could you give a poor man something to eat? asks the hobo. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. But it was me first day with the hook.. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. | Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. Ive led a very full life, says the dog. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. 78. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Submitted by Terry Sangster. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! Relationships are a lot like Algebra. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Whats a Queen without her King? Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? . The light goes off.. Chuck Norris won an arm . 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? Then it dawned on me. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} Today I saw something that reminded me of you. He needed a little space. We recommend our users to update the browser. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. Good players are hard to find. But they were fully booked. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} ' @woodyluvscoffee. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. $18.49 $ 18. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 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