The law does, because once the child is here, through no fault of its own, it needs to be supported in order to have a successful life and successful children are in the best interest of all of society. He could have been one of those unforunate souls that DID protect himself, even with the womans added protection, and it still resulted in a child. Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. The LW clearly believes that this is the case, and an objective reading of the circumstances she describes suggests that its a legitimate consideration. Because of my family not being to fond of him we broke it off and i was depressed for along time. Two. Rachel, I have a child in the same situation. There is no inherent unfairness in current laws child support is gender-blind. We ended up keeping in touch for months and talked about working things out. hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood. SweetsAndBeats Coke doesnt have to visit you in the hospital and make sure youre happy. reader, Laura1318+, writes (25 January 2008): A
Its that men should have as much of a say in whether they want to opt into support as do women. Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. Or until we decide to start a family., By that logic, virtually every dude on the planet is an idiot. lets_be_honest 4. stop stressing so much.many children are born under worse circumstances the guy and his ex its their problem to solve not yours. Oh yeah, because plenty of men already have no problem abandoning AND not paying. i completely agree, it is both parties responsibilities to make sure they are preventing pregnancy AND stds. You clearly didnt comprehend what you were reading very well. Why he would be furious with anyone other than himself is beyond me. I do not think he has a duty to be there for the child he never wanted and made it known he did not want to have with time to do something about it. They should be used. Imagine lending your new car to a friend who led you to believe they just needed to make a quick run to the Piggly Wiggly, only to have them return it to you totaled after having taken it on a weeklong bender in Vegas. Who the hell else is clicking that button??! Women can decide to abort the pregnancy or to give the child up for adoption, both of which are choices that remove any future obligation. and now he must deal with those consequences. THERE IS NO CHILD AT CONCEPTION. Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. Eh, he knows where babies come from and there are plenty of ways to have an amazing sexual experience that absolutely cannot result in anyone getting pregnant. We all know breakups are painful. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. Everything else aside, most of the guys in this thread are more upset about the sex part than they are about the child out of wedlock part. Whats the matter? P.S. Both have to accept responsibility for that. Most women hate giving blowjobs, it seems. Stay with someone he dislikes because she became pregnant? Weeks. He slept with his ex-fiancee once, and now she's pregnant. Just sayin. April 10, 2012, 6:23 pm, P.S. The fact that he doesnt means hes no good for either of you. SpaceySteph April 10, 2012, 5:01 pm. I feel so depressed about everything. All it is is having someone served w papers requiring them by law to have a q tip swab their mouth. You bolster my case by agreeing that he can share responsibility with the mother or simply provide support but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. It seems they are in a good place now, but I checked my mans texts and she still flirts with him and tries to get him back. Yes, its not a crime. When they were last together, he cheated on her many times and got another girl pregnant. So, if she opted for an abortion and he was furious with her for not keeping the baby, would he be scum? .of F****** Idiots. , CatsMeow As Ive gotten older shes told me more details about the situation (they were tenants in the same complex working towards professional education [law and med school] and both around age 30; I was a surprise and he was more dedicated to completing his education, while she wasnt upset that she would be a mother sooner. I think its pretty unfair that women have the choice to abort or not, and the man gets no say in that, not really. honeybeenicki And since shes the one with the baby in HER uterus, theres not a whole lot you can do to force her to have the abortion or stop her from doing so.
I speak "strongly" sometimes beca. It doesnt matter how nicely you do it. The calculus is income dependent based on whos the higher earner. He says he cant stand her? If a guy *does not* want to be a father, he shouldnt be having sex with women unless he knows, for sure, they have a similar attitude when it comes unintended pregnancy. She asked what to do with this guy. A Happy Life My above reenactment was not a true depiction of the dialogue I believe took place. Women are more easily able to get custody? More like: her: what do you want to do about it? After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. And for what its worth, I highly doubt he can bear to live without you. I mean, he didnt exactly waste any time getting some other chick pregnant, did he? It was one of those comments that deserved the opportunity to be liked twice anyway. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. Putting that opinion into action with either government or private coercion is that to which we have no right. 6napkinburger just like anyone else we were shocked given i was on bc & for me abortion/adoption was just out of the question . Everything is he: He is in love with you, so in love that he humped another woman; so in love that he wanted to kill a baby to be with you. Men are stupid and do stupid things, but so are women. I think hes scum because hes furious with the girl he impregnated. Thats a dudes view. And she doesnt have to be a liar to have been on antibiotics, thus rendering the pill largely ineffective. But shes having his baby and whether he likes her, loves her, or hates her, that baby is his child. And he wants absolutely nothing to do with that baby? John Rohan But condoms should still be used unless the relationship is established and monogamous and both parties are disease-free. Until thats legally extended as you propose any man who doesnt exercise that option has no one to blame but himself when he becomes a parent. Considering how often it is done on daytime television, I am shocked to find out that a paternity test is so damn hard to procure. lets_be_honest You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. If he doesnt want to have children that much, yes, he should be the one to do everything to prevent it. Thats my advice. My hand felt like someone smacked a block of ice with a hammer. This was even more of a scandal in a small town in the 70s than it would have been today, but she decided to keep the baby. Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. Theres nothing wrong with casual sex. If youre a man, your time to prevent having a child is when you have sex and decide how to protect yourself. .. but what if she did deceive him? Well be together forever no matter what. is thrown around just to get in some dumb girls pants just as often as I wont get pregnant. is thrown around to trap ignorant dumbasses. This letter is written by someone who wasnt even involved in the conception of the child, so I dont believe there can be an objective reading of the circumstances. Here are the 5 signs that he/she is in one: They started the relationship before they ended it (or as they were ending it) with you.. And the man? April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. I'm still contemplating because if my boyfriend finds out, I'm afraid he'll leave me. The only thing I can say that no one else has so far is, why would she want to trap this man?! MOA, ASAP. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. Both men and women create children. 4. Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. I give up. That being said, the LW didnt say whether he was tested so we dont know for sure. Not to say that a single mother cannot give a child the support she needs alone, but as the father if you wash your hands of being in the childs life, you do not KNOW or even have a reasonable expectation (especially if shes a one night stand youve only known for 2 minutes) that the mother will be a sufficient parent. She experiences an allergic reaction and has to be rushed to the hospital. female
Fine, Ill support you in raising the child, but Im not prepared to be a dad. Yes, it is the less than desirable course to take but he is, in a way, owning up to his responsibility (monetarily). reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): A
AndreaMarie People are calling the LW names (harsh names to be sure) based on the way she is reacting in this letter. But if Im going to have casual sex without proper protection, well then Id better damn well be prepared for the potential consequences. Women have the discretion to assert paternity on a man, though he has limited rights to contest that paternity claim. A douchenozzle? Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. In the vast majority of cases, these relationships do not last long and serve solely to be a . Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards? Males pay a surrogate to carry the tissue blob, or lesbians can carry the tissue blob themselves. But thats a crime?. Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. Stop this back and forth with him. iseeshiny If you want something different, you must do something different. It says there is no child at conception. Fair or not, the facts are what they are. It is amazing to me to see the vitriol that men are carrying on with talking about paying money towards the health and well being of a child that they helped create. Either_Coconut 3 mo. He should get a damn vasectomy. Even if you had a vasectomy. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. Boy, for someone who cant live without you, he sure didnt wait to go out and sleep with someone else! Why does anyone think they have a say in whether a woman aborts or keeps her child? My issue is even, at the very least, if you dont want to wear a condom.then pull out!!! Girls can get caught up in emotions and run wild with feels sometime devilish innocent Established Member Established Members My Ex-girlfriend says she misses me. But again the adoption makes that all moot. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. And whether you believe its a child at conception or not, its a scientific fact that conception is what, at the very least, leads to life. I think that it does, as most have pointed out, take two people to get pregnant. It really doesnt help the LW at all and doesnt belong here but here we go. Heh, are you suuuuure you still want to be a professional therapist? Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. It will have feelings too.
I think its the first time I am hearing someone smear another person for NOT having an abortion. Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? I agree Savannah. Thats all well and good except it didnt happen and now theyre in this situation. lets_be_honest Nobody wants to refute what John says in his first post. And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom. And thats a double entendr. April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. I think what you are forgetting in all of this is that a child is not a peanut. He hides me as well as the other girl. If he doesnt own up to his part in creating a child, sorry, I think hes a jerk. Months after we broke up, he would come and go as he pleased. Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) He can be one he better be one- and still be a loyal partner to you. Basically, he is dumping you and moving on. The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. LW, what happens if YOU get pregnant? Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? He also didnt say fine, Ill support you financially, but really I dont wanna be a dada. He said that he would obviously pay but wants nothing to do with the women or the baby. Good. The woman then apparently became pregnant with apparently the guys child. he was told that he could not have any children so i thought she wasnt his. The crazies on both sides just come crawling out of the woodwork. Seriously, doesnt anyone get off on oral anymore? As for not wanting anything to do with her or her child, Im guessing that is momentary anger directed at her, not the child. And he has agreed to support the child financially. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. I dont know why this posted as a reply to Honeybeenicki I tried to post it separately. April 10, 2012, 7:23 pm. I have a really hard time believing that this guy who hates this woman and wants nothing to do with this child had a civil conversation with the baby mom discussing their options, while stating his preference for an abortion. LW, take a step back and think about what you would tell one of your girlfriends in a similar situation. unfortunately, ive seen more than one person take pills the wrong way (whether it be because they forget, dont take it at exactly the same time, dont pay attention to warnings about drug interactions, etc). It is quite possible to become pregnant on the pill. Image Source. That wont solve anything. April 10, 2012, 9:47 am. The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. It's been really painful for me. But the kid is coming, and if your BF is a decent guy, he *should* be there for his child (if he doesnt come around eventually, you may need to consider if hes someone worth being with). Already Tired of the Baby Malarky. His ex had gone through a lot of internal as well as external strugglesand became stronger and wiser. 1. Of all the methods, IV drug use is the most effective. By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. And alimony is given to whichever spouse made less income, not women as a rule. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. The argument is that Im on birth control. is not the same as I will not get pregnant from this sexual encounter. You know how babies are made. troll label aside, we do get together monthly and burn ex-boyfriends in effigy so hes got us there. Just sayin. he delivers the baby from the nursery to your house. Dont get me wrong, the child should be taken care of and taken responsibility for but it can never be the reason why you do or dont stay together that decision should be based purely on the possibility for a good relationship between you grown ups. And hopefully people begin to realize that just taking the pill isnt an absolute gurantee that you wont make a baby. I had no idea. It doesnt have to toss a ball with you to help with your rehab or take pictures of you with your new arm. April 9, 2012, 6:16 pm. That is not acceptable. It is never the unborn childs fault. Run. Once you decide to have sex you are basically saying that you realize pregnancy is a possibility. Um please feel free to disregard teh account representative, that may have been for something else haha. Why is he such a scummy, awful human being because hes angry with the way this has worked out that hell be on the hook for another human being until who knows when? I asked him why and never got a response back, ever. April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. Of course we have a right to an opinion, even if our opinion is that dirty sluts shouldnt breed. Of course there are the people who assert that others have no right to an opinion regarding birth control, abortion, or other actions. But it also tries to say that the man had a part in creating the child. You dont really get to have a say in this situation, but encourage your boyfriend to have a relationship with this child. Let him go. I would like to believe that someone near my dads own age would have more sense than this. Id drop this guy in a heartbeat. He hadnt. She came first. landygirl I just think its extremely scumbag-ish to want nothing to do with your child, no matter how it was conceived. Actually no. Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. Just feeding on each other and leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. 1) Like it or not, men have one point where they can decide whether or not to risk becoming parents (ie before sex, they choose the degree of risk based on what, if any, precautions they take). Then they want to fight for the loser like hes some sort of prize! & he tells me now, the mother agreed to take the child & look after the child, & he will leave the baby mama for me, because he loves me. Men will never have to make that choice. No. Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. And I appreciate that he made his decision and stuck with it, instead of deciding to drop in and out whenever he felt like. Maybe she IS trying to entrap him. As others have said, she could have been on the pill and he could have used a condom and she still could have gotten pregnant. That is not her fault. And as a grown adult; as a person whos lived 40 years and should have acquired a sense of decency and maturity; you should own up to the consequences of your actions. Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. April 10, 2012, 10:28 am. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. Hell, given the entitlement and lack of boundaries displayed in your letter, itll probably be your life no matter what. And those young boys and those young boys parents have wages garnished for the next 18 years to pay for the rapists child. 2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. is significantly higher than the risk of contracting HIV, which is actually not all that contagious. What should I do, View related questions:
The sex was good. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that.. We all know that going in. Stop this back and forth with him. April 9, 2012, 9:56 pm. Its fucking unfair. He has been torn up by the pain he has caused me. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke landygirl. April 10, 2012, 10:34 am. But in some ways, youre making my point, Francine. bittergaymark And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. If he suddenly decided to emotionally ditch this woman when she was five months pregnant or after the baby was born, Id been singing another tune. Or you think that landygirl does that? Its not a gender-based law. How many times have we read articles like that and think to ourselves couldnt you have just left the baby with family or at the hospital rather than kill it.. Now this is really petty, but I'm planning to post a picture of me and my boyfriend for her to see. Ill never in a million years get it. And without condoms?! Paraphrased of course. James Felix You sound like one of those pro-lifers who are always compelling women to do things against their will. No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. Men AND women both have decided, well after-the-fact, that no babies is better than having babies. Were also stuck with either A) experiencing an abortion or B) going through a pregnancy. Theyve both made their choice. But being on the pill is not akin to saying I will choose to have an abortion should a pregnancy occur. The fact the option to abort or not is a womans right is no secret. So, yes, I can see why hed be furious. The memories you two have together are yours and yours alone. P.S. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right?, And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters.. am . Are you unable to fathom that although both men and women are responsible for creating a pregnancy, they arent capable of both taking on the same responsibilities during a pregnancy? You deserve more than you are getting but if you accept less you will get less! If her fiance adopted the child, then he is the legal father and she would go after him for Child Support. You want to look awesome in comparison to this new guy. Im pretty sure the guy is being called scum because of his shitty attitude towards the pregnancy and the unborn child. April 9, 2012, 4:55 pm. This is why homosexual couples have to adopt. He wasnt in a relationship with the LW at that time, and had no expectation that they would get back together. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. Do you want a man who doesnt want to be in a childs life because it means being with you? The decision to have sex is not a decision to have a child, but it always carries that risk. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. Im a guy, and I think that the BF is a loser scum bag. Steve Kellmeyer You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. lets_be_honest Just once. So he literally now has to reap what he sows as the consequences of his actions. One is right next to me . He could've at least waited a week after coming back! Oops, it took so long that I thought my post was lost in space. Now, I want to believe him, but in my rightful mind I know I will be so dumb to buy all that he is say. Sorry. People in healthy relationships say things like despite the circumstances that broke us up, we realized our relationship was worth working past those things by doing xyz Finally, the letter reads as a teenagers temper tantrum. Whoa whoa whoa this kid should be the most important thing in his life, over her? And how can you be mad at the woman? He was clearly having unprotected sex with at least one other person. And do some growing up before you get involved with someone else. Is this a valid summary? The guy started dating someone else. Not your body, not your choice. But that doesnt change the fact that these people are eating each other alive. Its still good advice if the letter his fake, actually, since there certainly are people in this situation. And the legal system that obligates him was in place when he put himself in this position. And the children are either damned or murdered. So give yourself the time you need to work through this experience. A month after the abortion, while I waited for my luggage at the baggage claim, three babies surrounded me, all under a year. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. Is that pretty much it? entertaining for sure, but dont be so surprised when people call you out on it a la Landygirl. when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. You are upset that someone read browbeat into the word ask but you have no problem making up a whole conversation in your head in the same breath no less even though the LW was explicit. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head.
While youre at it make sure to pop out a few more kids yourself, too. But even though I led you to believe I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to have the baby anyway and thereby obligate you to two decades of support.. Now hes going to have to deal with it, even if he wants nothing to do with the childhis wallet will. It upsets me how much anger seems to be directed towards this unborn child. So long as he isnt raping people, who are you to say he has no right to have unprotected sex? I dont care what ridiculous conversation anyone does or doesnt have before sex. You know, I dont have much patience this morning,. April 9, 2012, 8:26 pm. Heres how I interpreted it. A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. Thanks for the clarification. I had no idea most women hated it. It doesnt sound like shes ready or willing to deal with him having fathered a child, especially if he changes his mind and wants to be a part of its life. April 9, 2012, 7:33 pm. lets_be_honest So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot? So for someone I love and care deeply about, its enjoyable. If women insist on compelling child support from the man, then dont whine if society insists that women support the child until birth. The man should have no say on whether or not she keeps the baby but she should have a LOT of say over his finances for the next 18 years. I know youre just trying to tell us that the little scroat wont be able to trap him, buttttt it looks like you cant hold onto him either? How very astute of you to notice the fundamental difference between the genders. Not with hormonal BC, not with 2 methods of BC, not when one of the individuals has been sterilized. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby.. Bow out gracefully and give him the space he doesnt know he needs to get his life together. Anyone would be angry in this situation. However, an absent father does not always result in an emotionally crippled child. Women can choose whether to bind a man to support their child without the mans discretion.
I just personally get outraged that this is the case: that he would have to pay support regardless, but that she can opt out of it. Seriously? 2. And for some reason people always seem to have the idea that it wont happen to them. Be a grownup, decide if this relationship is worth the less perfect, more dramatic parts, and act accordingly. 99% of women would not blame the other woman, baselessly accuse her of trying to trap her bf, be angry that someone she has no relationship with has chosen not have an abortion per their wishes, treat this woman as if she is solely responsible for child she only helped to conceive. If I got pregnant by a guy who begged me to have one, I would tell him if he doesnt want this child he can just fuck off and I will raise him/her but I will not kill my own child for him. We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. Quit trying to dig into other peoples wallets to subsidize your lifestyle choices. Still, if I were the LW and I saw my newly reunited BF acting this way about his soon to be born child, Id get the heck out of there. I said there and I think it bears repeating here: you have no right to assume the woman you are having sex with has the same views on abortion as you. April 9, 2012, 12:13 pm. Its a double standard. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. I believe I saw the C-word used at least once. It would have been way happier if its bottles didnt explode. She Left Me.PRANK WARS - BF VS GFWatch until.